It's been awhile since I got serious on all y'all, and I figured it was about time. I know that the world has been longing for my insights on life.

I just find myself at such a strange little place (again, doesn't this happen often? a lot of uncharted waters lately). This particular insight comes from the idea of being part-time in my ministry at the Bridge. I am a full time student and part-time minister. It has been such a process to become okay with that- to realize that these two roles are two halves to my whole calling during this time in my life.

I'm struck (this is my word) at the amount of guilt that I've felt about this. About not being able to be "100%" in either place. I feel like as a "minister" I should be killing myself to be all things to all people...have kids over until 3 am every night. While at the same time, as a student, I feel guilt about not being up until 3 am every night studying. Add to this spending time with my husband, and you have one guilty lady who is not any percent in any place because I am so stuck feeling inadequate in every place.

I'm learning though, how to simply do what I've been asked to do. I really feel that God has called me to the exact place that I am in now, wife, student, youth minister (I'm an intern, but you know). He has called me to all these things, has equipped me for them, and is not asking me to kill myself. He is simply asking me to do my work in the proportion that it has been given to do.

This leads me from guilt, not to freedom, but almost to disappointment. But...shouldn't I be able to do it all? I want to be the 4.0. I want to be the all star in the ministry. Doesn't God want that for me? ...I am coming to realize that He doesn't. He wants more for me than that will get me. I'm not called to be an all star.

Strange realization for someone who likes to be the all star! Humbling and frustrating. However, I am learning. Learning to be secure in God and not myself or my abilities. Learning about ministry that happens in relationships and not on a stage. Though I still feel like I wouldn't mind if the all star day came... :) ...I'm learning to be okay right now. And I think that's okay.