Vowing

I have come to the conclusion that we have no idea what were are doing when we get married. I say this is no sarcastic or cynical sense. And not because my marriage is "on the rocks" or something. Simply because, marriage is hard.

I made my vows like they were possible.

Like I fully intended on joyfully living them.

Like saying them was magical and some promise I would delight in keeping.

It has come to my attention that the very act of vowing to do something is also an admission that, at times, you won't want to do it, or be able to. That's why you're vowing. You don't vow to breath until you die. You vow to love someone- when they don't love you, when you aren't feeling it, when it's really, really, really hard. At the time, June 2, 2007, this seemed as simple and unquestionable as breathing. Only because we'd never had to do it yet.

If I had it all to do over, I would re-write my vows, as cute as they were. I hesitated sharing this because its cryptic and deeply personal. But...I said them in front of you all the first time, and, why vow something with only your journal as witness?

Phil, you're my one thing.

A million things will try to take your place

A million things that seem shinier and fresh

But I promise that place to you.

Promise to put you back into it

should I ever take you out.

And I promise to repent

every day, as much as I need to,

that I've missed you, didn't see, didn't know, didn't even want to.

That I answered your question, "no."

I will want you to save me

and this marriage to solve me.

I will want to fix you and make it all work.

So, I promise to remember

that it can't be done.

To remember that it was made this way-

the curse is a blessing.

The ache is a magnet.

We were made to worship,

not bent before the altars of ourselves

or the other, but side by side.

To the One who can fill us:

with smiles on our faces,

tears on our cheeks,

hands raised or twined together.

I put away all demanding,

and send you this invitation,

daily and forever,

to love me and be loved by me.

I'll spend my life learning this

and what these words mean.